Day Two: Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Definitions by Merriam Webster:

Envy: Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

Boast: To Brag

Proud: having or displaying excessive self-esteem

Today’s topic will not be the most liked blog. This will one will require some honest introspection.

Have you ever spent time with someone where the conversation consisted only of, how great they are, or all that they have accomplished? It is quite draining. It makes it difficult for you to even celebrate in their happiness because they are doing a great job all by themselves. People like this can never be happy for anyone but themselves and find it difficult to love others.

When attempting to identify what love is and what it is not we must journey into the one thing that will get in the way of love every time! Our pride! When we are in love with someone we must be careful not to allow our self-esteem to dominate the relationship. Remember that a relationship by definition requires more than one person! Always remember that the most important person in this relationship is not you.

Think about the last argument that you had with someone you love. Was it because you didn’t get something your way? Did they fail to meet your expectations? Do you tend to point out all of their faults? Were you envious that something good happened for them but not you? Did you take the time to listen to what was bothering them? Did you belittle something that they did and tell them how you would have done it better? How do you talk to others about those you love? Do your words build up or knock down. Love does not humiliate in order to promote itself. Love does not beat someone down nor elevates itself above another. Without an equal playing field love can’t win.

Love “Does not puff itself up”, it says in a different version. As I shared in my previous blog, I had some deep seeded resentment toward my husband in the early stages of our marriage. I thought that I loved him but honestly I was not capable of providing the love that was required for a relationship. Ashamed as I am to admit this now, I spent many years shaming my husband publicly. There were times in social gatherings that I would make insulting comments about my spouse in the name of “joking”. At the time I thought this was funny. I felt entitled to embarrass him in a group of friends to elevate my self-esteem and make him feel less of a man. As I look back on those times, it breaks my heart to think that I would ever treat another human being this way let alone my husband. The one I promised to love, honor and cherish til death do us part.

Love must be shown in humility. No one demonstrated this love better than Jesus. Philippians 2: 5-8 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross!

Jesus never elevated himself over another but on the contrary. He humbled himself over to death. He shamed no one. The only time Jesus looked down at anyone was from the cross. He did not allow how his needs or desires ever to stand in the way of helping another. He became a servant, he was humble. He rejoiced with others and promoted them above himself. He did not demand the disciples fall at his feet, instead he washed theirs. He didn’t just say “I love you” he demonstrated it with every fiber of His being!

So what does real love look like? Love should never be painful either verbally, emotionally, spiritually and especially never physically!!  Love is humble and selfless. Love finds no delight in your shortcoming but celebrates in your victories. Love finds joy in your fulfillment and not in its own. It asks what can I do to serve you, not uses you for what you can provide. Love will respect your dreams, your desires and your needs. For my unmarried friends…love respects you enough to never disrespect you, it is willing to wait! ~Love is not a feeling, it is a decision ~Love Never Fails~

 

Love Is Patient and Kind

Day One- Love is Patient; Love is Kind~1 Cor. 13:4 (NIV)

Our first look into the Biblical definition of love is: it is patient and kind. Compare to the NKJV which reads “love suffers long and is kind”.

Love suffers long sounds a little more intense than patient. Patience is what you need when your spouse leaves the cap off the toothpaste and it leaks all over the counter…the third time this week! Suffers long is when difficulties arise in your relationship and you refuse to allow anger to be your response. The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:8 “Love covers a multitude of sins”. Love should always be your first response no matter the situation.

When we go back to the original meaning of the word used here: in Greek the word means “to maintain internal and external control in a difficult circumstance”. Love covers a bad situation. Love says, I am not happy about what you have done or what has happened but my love for you will not give up!  I will remain calm and work this out with you. God wants our love to look like this! For this is how God loves us!! He remains patient with us when we make mistakes. His love suffers long with us through bad situations. He loves even when we don’t return His love!! He remains faithful, even when we are not. No matter the circumstance, His love for us always prevails. His love covers our multitude of sins.

Love is kind. Kind is such a “nice” word and does not sound too involved and somewhat self-explanatory. The Webster’s defines kind as: affectionate, loving; of a sympathetic or helpful nature, of a forbearing nature. When evaluating your love on this level. How kind are you too your spouse? Are you sympathetic when he/she is hurting? Do you show forbearance when they have wronged you? Are you affectionate and loving? Or only when you what something? The Bible says in Romans 5:8 That God demonstrated his love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. This is what kindness looks like. He loved us so much that He was sympathetic of our situation. He granted forbearance for our sins before we even acknowledged Him; he died for us. He did not die because you were showering Him with love. He died while you were an adulterer.  His love suffers long and is kind.

Maybe as your reading this you are thinking, “I have suffered long”. Then you must ask, have you done it kindly? The key word in this passage is the word AND. Love is patient AND kind. It is very possible to be patient without being kind. I see this in many relationships, including my own. At the beginning of my 23 years of marriage, although I was ready for love, my spouse was not. I was patient. I fought the good fight, and I suffered long to keep our love alive. Over the years I have allowed my love to cover a lot mistakes. I had forgiven more times than I could count, but then lived the life of a victim. You see, I was not kind about it. I knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness. I was quick to remind him of those times he hurt me. I suffered long, but required him to repay me every day since then. This is not kindness. Kindness is an act of forbearance. Forbearance says you can never pay back your debt and therefore I will stop demanding payment.

So what does real love look like: It is willing to wait for you! In love you are not fearful to make a mistake or to confess your failures. A place where you have no fear that love will be abandoned when times get tough. When finances are strained. When physical aliment arises. When you fall down, love will pick you up. Love should always be the strongest emotional response to every situation. It will plead on your behalf, even when you are wrong. It should grant you forbearance, even when you don’t deserve it and will not hold it over your head in order to control you. Love will love you when times are good. Love will still be there when times are not good. ~ Love is a not a feeling, it is a decision! ~ Love Never Fails!

 

What Is Love?

With the commercialized Valentine’s Day approaching, I will be sharing over the next ten days about LOVE. What it is and what it should look like. I think too often we carelessly throw those three little words “I love you” around without forethought. Often those words are abused and used to manipulate another. Love outside its true context is a recipe for disaster. Yes, the words hold much depth but unfortunately often shallow.

 

As a woman, I can admit, that most of us have fantasized about love our entire lives. This started early in life, with stories of princes on white horses. Since childhood we have been on a quest in search of our “one true love”.  More often than we have cared to admit, we kissed a lot of frogs along the journey. Our idea of love is often filled with romance, and passion. We love emotionally and when passion and romance die down we are quick to be “falling out of love”. Men often can never live up to this expectation to keep the “fairy tale” alive in our hearts.

 

(The following is the response I received from a few men that I interviewed. as I am not a man and therefore cannot say how their brains tick.)

 

The response I received was love for them is more physical. They are usually drawn to “love” by attraction to the outward beauty. Some have confessed that they were often unable to clarify if they were “in love” or filled with lust. Some stated that when the physical attraction was over, and the relationship required “work” they “fell out of love”.

 

Obviously, this is not always the case nor do I want to group ALL men together in one large “lusting pot”. I simply want to show that at the end of the day, male or female; we really don’t understand what love really is and what it looks like. No wonder we fall in and out of love so easily, or throw around the words so carelessly.

 

We look to the world to define love for us. It is the most popular theme of songs and movies. Love on the big screen is visually defined as sexual, endlessly romantic or cheap. No wonder we frequently change the status of our Facebook, “in a relationship”, “single”, “married” or my favorite, “it’s complicated”.

 

“It’s complicated”, is the closet we have to the true definition. Love is complicated, it is messy and yet it is the strongest emotion we will ever know. Love will cause you to do crazy things that you never thought you would do. Love will cause you to both laugh and cry. Love will make you feel alive yet willing to lay down your life to protect it. Yes, love is complicated!! But life apart from love is wretched.

 

As I prepare the next 10 days of blogs, I will ask you the reader. What is love to you? Share your thoughts, stories or your personal definitions!

 

Then over the next 10 days, I will breakdown 1 Corinthians 13 and find out what God means when he says…Love Never Fails! Join me on this journey of discovery. A discovery of a love we all desire to have and the God who wants us share in it with us.

A Single Pane of Glass

One of the hardest walks I ever had to take was through the doors to the county prison. Mind you I had spent many years going through those doors to minister to woman. I had gone through the process of signing in, walking through the metal detectors, so much so, that it was almost mechanical. I was always greeted kindly by the evening shift guards and respected for the ministerial services I was there to provide.

This day was different. For the first time, I had to stand in the long line like everyone else. No friendly greeting, only a demand for “ID”. With shaking hands I surrendered my ID and was told to go sit until they call my floor. I sat amongst the fellow visitors, looking intently into the sad eyes of those around me. Faces filled with sorrow, and sleepless nights. Crying babies were consoled while waiting to see their mommy or daddy. My heart broke as I thought about my own grandchild that I had refused to bring along to spare her the heartache. My child was somewhere locked down inside those cold stone walls.

After waiting almost 2 hours, I was finally allowed to visit with my first born baby boy. I was led to an elevator and shuttled to a small room. I sat down in a chair, lifted the phone and placed my hand against the ½ inch plate glass. My son, sat looking down, ashamed to look into my tear filled eyes. The words I wanted so badly to say suddenly seemed held hostage in the back of my throat, refusing to let them come forth from my lips. True I was disappointed by the actions that brought him here and yet filled with so much love for the little boy whose laughter once felt like the sunshine that fills the sky after a rainstorm.

How I longed to hold him, to tell him that I loved him so much that if it were at all possible, I would take his place. Without question, no matter what he has done, I would take the punishment for his crime. The fear I now see in his eyes, bore into my heart like a hot iron searing flesh.

As a parent, I couldn’t help but recall all of the good that was in my son. No one knew him like I did. They did not see past his mistake and see the beautiful young man he was and still is, beneath the addiction. Not the policeman, arresting just another junkie or the judge keeping another one off the street.  The guards were unsympathetic to his needs or fears. People who thought they knew him prior to the arrest were quick to judge and easily dismissed him now, in his greatest time of need.

After leaving the prison, I sat for a while in my car, finally unleashing the emotional cascade of grief. I cried out to God for strength to start the ignition and pull away from the place where I must leave my son. After some time the well of tears seemed to dry up as the Holy Spirit began to speak softly to my soul.

Father God, knows how hard it is to see your child imprisoned. He too knows what it feels like to leave exchange his noble position, to come down to the prison to visit. Many of His children are imprisoned. How He longs to visit with them, to touch them, to bring them comfort in their darkest hours. No one knows His children the way He does. He put dreams into their hearts, he gave them gifts, and He filled them with love and desires that no one could ever fathom; including the child. He loves them more than anyone and forgives their greatest wrongs as if they never happened. He too was so compelled by their chains that He did take their place. He did take on the punishment for their crimes. How hard it must be, after all He has done, to still be unable to touch them. Like the pane of glass, are sins, anger, worries, fears or faithlessness. Many reject His love or refuse to enter His presence.

Up until that very moment, I had felt alone. I had felt that God did not care about what was happening. As I thought about His great love for us, I closed my eyes. I imagined my Heavenly Father sitting next to me. I realized I had allowed the sorrow and fear to imprison me. At this realization, I looked up into the eyes of love…He placed his hand against the glass.