Grip of Fear

The afternoon of the crash I was waging war against one of the most depressing times of my life. I had sent a text to my husband an hour prior and in no uncertain terms stated my lack of luster for life. I cried as I drove home for a much needed lunch break in hopes of regaining the stamina to return and finish my assigned tasks. I sat quietly on my sofa, mentally coaching myself and whispering the only prayer I could muster..."Please God, help me". I felt nothing, emptiness enveloped me like a cold blanket. Reluctantly, I rose up from my short respite to head back to work. Little did I know what was waiting for me just a few minutes down the road. I was approaching an intersection when I seen another car heading from the right. He was traveling at a high rate of speed and from the looks of it he had no intention of stopping. Sure enough he came right through the stop sign. Time seemed to stand still for the brief seconds I had to react. I gripped the steering wheel with everything I had in me. But it was too late, I was going to hit him head first and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I seen just a blurred profile of the driver and then BANG...I hit him so hard my truck lifted up off the ground and landed sideways into oncoming traffic. I sat dazed and confused unsure of where I was. Adreniline coursed through my veins and I jumped from my car and ran to the other driver who I believed at this point I had killed. The impact was so hard I thought there was no way he could have survived. As I came up to the car, he was miraculously getting out....without even a scratch. It wasn't until later that day that I realized that something was wrong. Pain shot through my neck and I could barely move it. Months of physical therapy, followed by neck and hip surgery and more months of recovery. Spinal cord complications, blacking out, EMTS, emergency room visits, detoxing from narcotics, depression, anger, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, neckbraces, canes etc. In one brief moment my life was changed. It has been 9 months since the accident and still I am recovering.

It turns out the injury was a result of my grip of fear. Allow me to explain, I was holding the steering wheel so tight that I even broke my wedding band in half. They said if I would not have tensed up...I most likely would have walked away uninjured like my fellow driver who was oblivous to the approaching danger. I was crippled by fear. The same fear that crippled me with depression.I always want to be in control of my life. Although I routinely ask for God's help or the help of others, I still want to take the steering wheel. Help me....but let me drive. I want to trust God but what if.....what if....what if He fails?
It took me months of having to depend on others to complete the simpilest tasks for me. Finally, I realized how much I had keep God and others at a distance. I had to be stripped of my dignity, pride, and self reliance in order for me to reach a place of surrender! I can't do this alone! And guess what...for the first time....it's okay.

Don't Let Me Go

It was time again for our family vacation to OC Maryland. This time we were going with our extended family. Everyday it seemed we packed up the entire contents of our hotel and set out to the sandy beaches. {I am sure you can relate to the annoying job of setting up all the junk you thought that you just might need.}
After we finally got settled, I sat down to relax from the exhausting task. I watched as each of my family memebers douched themselves in suntan oil and fixed their chairs to be directly in line with the sun. My nieces busied themselves digging in the sand oblivious to horrific heat and scratchy particles that covered them. I on the otherhand, sat quietly under my umbrella, book in hand with no plans of moving from the spot that I had settled in.
"Come on Mom", my kids teased. They were finally lubed and ready to run and dive into the pounding waves that beckoned them. "I am fine here", I told them. They laughed and ran off. They know me well enough to know that I am terrified of the water. I would jump out of an airplane before I would dive from a boat into the ocean. Okay, so I am a control freak...I know you are analyzing me right now I can feel it. Anyway, you are right, I do not like or trust that which I cannot see. The ocean is a scary place, it is unpredictable and therefore unsafe. No, I was fine right where I was at.
Then there were flies. This year it just so happened that some sort of "Exodus like" plague was sweeping across the shores in Maryland. Giant horse flies began biting us so badly that the only means of releif was...yes....go into the water. UGH!
So I went out....to my ankles....then my knees...eventually even my waist. After awhile I finally began to relax in the water. It was not as scary as I had imagined and okay I admit it was even (a little) fun.
My Sister-in-Law was standing with me, holding my two year old niece. She became hot and wanted to swim out a little further and cool off. She asked me to hold my niece for just a few minutes while she cooled off.
I held my niece who was still cranky from being bitten by the flies, and like me a little unsure of the water. She whined as I held her. "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you and I promise I will not let you go". I pointed to the shore and we laughed as I joked that those stupid flies can't catch us out here.
That was when I noticed. There had seemed to be a long pause between waves and that could mean only one thing. I turned around slowly and behind me was a building wave twice the size of me ready to pound us. There was noting I could do, no where I could run. I could not even prepare to dive through it as I held this little girl in my arms. Instead, I turned my back to the wave to shield her from the blow, wrapped my arms tight around her with all of my strength while placing my hand over her mouth. "Please God, no matter what happens help me not to let go of her", I screamed in my head. We were going to get hit, there was no way out.
The wave hit hard tossing and turning us over in the water. It was no longer possible to tell which way was up. I held her tighter afraid that the mighty undertow would rip her from my grip. I needed a miracle and fast.
Just then I heard someone shouting our names and they seemed to be close by. I took my niece and thrust her toward what seemed to be light and the place from which the voice was coming. My niece was grabbed out of my hands by her mother. Just as I tried to get myself back up, another wave crashes over me, the undertow pulling me out to sea. Now that my niece was safe, I was too tired to fight it off I would let it take me.
I felt a hand grab my wrist and with one pull my sister in law yanked me up out of the water. I lay on the shore, exhausted and shaking from the terrifying ordeal. I crawled back to my chair under the umbrella, welcoming the flies that came to feast. I had fought the good fight and lived to tell about it...that was enough "vacationing" for me.

As I look back on the day (now that the fear has subsided). I realize that I had been given a beautiful picture of my Father's love. You see I had been going through I rough patch in my life. I was hurting deeply and could not understand why I was going through some of the problems I faced. Yet, through all of the pain....I heard that peaceful voice whispering "Don't worry, I got you and I promise to not let you go". Sometimes we have troubles no matter how strong we are in the Lord. We all have battles to fight, mountains to climb and waves that crash over us in a fury. But, it is during these times that our Father embraces us, he turns his back to the full force of impact to cover and sheild us. He covers our mouths so we cannot drown beneath it and all the while he holds on to us and he will not let go...no matter what.

Can you spare some change?

I walked through the busy streets of Chicago....alone. My eyes trying to take in all of it's beautifully designed structures. I loved the backdrop....reminding me of how much of this world I had yet to explore. I was on a business trip and was ready to take in all I could in the next 5 days between seminars. I learned by the end of the first day as I went back empty handed to my 5 star hotel to order room service that carrying money with me would be detrimental to my stay.
Homelessness, in this city was heartwrenchingly overwelming and I knew myself well enough to believe that I would give away all of my spending money by the end of the next day if I did not watch myself. I decided the next night to give myself an "allowance". I would carry no more than a few dollars a day for the "needy" and when it was gone...that was all I would give.
The next day I was standing on a corner waiting for a light to change before I could safely cross the dangerously busy traffic. Behind me a wheelchair bound man sat crying loudly and shaking his seemingly empty can..."Change", "Change". His cry was desperate and I had already given away my "allowance" to others who were in need. I tried to ignore him and prayed that the light would "Change" and quickly. The harder I ignored him the louder he became...."CHANGE" "Can you spare some CHANGE". Tears began to stream down my face, but I did not want to give anymore then I already had.
The light apparently was broken, minutes seemed like hours and the man's cries would not let up. "Don't do it, the voice inside me pleaded", "You have already given your share". Just then he screamed out the word once more...this time in what seemed a bone chilling choir. I broke...I couldn't take it no more?....I reached down into my pocket and pulled out the last of everything that I had. I placed it into his can. The minute I let go the light changed and I was free to proceed.
As I walked back to the hotel, I wept as I thought about this man. Somehow it was not just the man himself that was haunting me but his words...."Change, Change, Change...Can you spare some change?" Deep within my spirit, I turned his words over and over. Then it hit me. Change. Could I spare some change? So often I go about my life as if the small amount of sacrifices I make for God are enough to fulfill my "duties". I regulate the amount I am willing to invest in our relationship. I give God what I want and when I want. When He asks for the things I am hiding in my "other pocket" I try to ignore, avoid or escape His cries. God does not want some of us....He desires ALL of us.
I never stop asking God for the things that I need. I am but a beggar, shouting, no demanding my needs, my desires and my dreams be met. But I never stop, wait and listen to the voice of God telling me what He needs or He desires for my life. I heard the question once again, whispering gently to my soul...Can you spare some change. Tonight, I was ready, I was humbled. I emptied all my pockets before the Lord in complete submission. I am ready and willing to give you everything I have been holding back.
Oh please Father..."Can you spare some change" for a fool like me?